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There Is No Such Thing as Extra Sex

All sex is barely enough

“Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.” — John Callahan

With all the chaos in the world, my spouse and I have figured out how to keep our sex life in balance, or at least I thought we had. Being locked in with your significant other for 24 hours a day, seven days a week, can become uninspiring in the bedroom. There are the small (and big) things your partner does that get on your last nerve. Nevertheless, we have kept it, but it takes work.

A Good Balance

First, we established a once-a-week recurring sex day. This means that every Tuesday is a day that we are especially nice to each other, putting aside even the big annoyances to have a night of passion. The recurring sex day works well as usually after that night of desire; the problems are not so annoying.

One day, I was bored with walking all the time, so I suggested that we have daily sex instead. It turned out that daily sex was too much for us, so; instead, we stuck with the recurring sex night with a few nights added in. I thought all was well, then surprise.

Surprise, More Is Requested

It was Thursday evening. It had been a good day. I wrote two articles while he worked on the flowers in our lanai. We had run our sexual routine on our regularly scheduled Tuesday night and followed up Wednesday night as well. I was watching TV when my spouse leaned over and squeezed my arm as he handed me a gin and tonic. He sat a bowl of spicy Doritos next to me. A sage and cedar candle was burning in the background. (When had he lit that?) Never one to turn down a drink, I took a sip. It was smooth and cold; made exactly the way I like it. I bit a spicy Dorito; the gin and tonic and the Doritos were so good together. I smiled with pleasure. Humm.

My honey sat next to me and put his arm around me. I said, “Oh, you trying to get some extra sex?” He said, “There is no such thing as extra sex. All sex is barely enough.” I said, “Interesting, explain.”

My husband launched into an explanation. “Anytime you have people who love and desire each other when one of them solicits the other, that is not extra sex. That is just barely enough sex for those two people. Whoever is seeking to hit it will do whatever is needed to cause the other person to respond. Tonight, I have a pitcher of drinks made precisely the way you like them. I pulled out one of your favorite treats.

We will watch a romantic comedy of some sort; I’m thinking of the one with Cher and Nicolas Cage. By then, you’ll be feeling full and warm toward me. The night we have will not be extra at all. If, by some chance, at the end of the night, there is no sex, then no harm, no foul. We would have had a great relaxing evening enjoying each other’s company with me pampering you. Either there was desired sex or no sex. ” I looked up at him. He was right.

Desired Sex or No Sex

His logic made sense, but I had not thought of it in that way. Like most couples, we have become accustomed to having our lover available to us whenever we could seduce them. A sexual encounter is not automatic, nor will it ever be. There is no extra sex because either we are seeking sex with our partner or they are seeking intimacy with us. All is desired and needed. Sometimes sex would be an unnecessary intrusion into a shared moment of pleasure. I know I’m right. Think about you and your partner. It is all good.


Toni Crowe retired as the Vice President of Operations of a multi-billion-dollar company to pursue her dream of being a writer. Toni has written six books. Her bestselling business book, ‘Bullets and Bosses Don’t Have Friends’ won a Gold Readers Award.

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