My husband and I have been together for more than 30 years, closer to 40. There is no issue in the sex department with us. We have always really enjoyed the intimate and physical portion of our relationship. It is, was and remains smoking hot. The kind of hot where you can come home from work miss dinner, and end up eating pizza, Doritos and salsa in bed at 11 p.m. with huge grins on your faces.
Something has Changed
But, something has changed. When we were in our twenties, thirties, forties, and fifties, sex was serious business. We were determined to make sure we kept our marriage strong through sickness and health, for better or worst, dysfunctional family gatherings, etc. We employed an array of techniques from date nights to listening sessions, to erotic motels and vacations deliberately filled with erotic stops to fuel our sexual activities. Each of these activities was carefully and seriously planned to squeeze out maximum enjoyment for both of us and keep our union emotionally strong and physically hot. There was an unspoken rule that if someone wanted to try something new, give it one shot, then decide if it was worth adding to our toolkit.
Ask, and Ye Shall Receive
We made a deal with each other to know what we wanted and to ask for it if we were not getting what we needed. Once when we were in our late twenties, the kids were five and eleven, we were both in that portion of our careers where we were working sixty-hour weeks. I was near the end of my college education, my spouse pulled me aside in the kitchen while the kids were eating family dinner.
He said, “I’m not getting enough of that good stuff.”
‘What?” I said. “What good stuff?”
He gave me a sideways look and said slowly: “You know.”
Hell, I didn’t know until he told me. He meant “the good stuff.”
The kids, school, and work had me so darn busy I had not noticed that “the stuff” was missing. I guess that was his point.
That weekend, we had my sister come over and babysit for six hours. We dressed up like we were going to a fancy dinner. In real life, we literally went to the cheap motel on the next block and made out like rabbits. I’m certain the manager thought we were a cheating couple on a tryst because as soon as we left the house, we could not keep our hands off of each other. My husband got enough “good stuff” that evening to hold him for a quite a while.
Back then we did not tell jokes during sex or the preparation for sex. We laughed sometimes, but the overall mood was serious, there was work to be done. A marriage to keep strong. Places to go. Beds to get into. We would sometimes ask each other if we were “ready-to-work” before getting physical. Being “ready to work” meant we would be working hard to please each other.
Now, We Got Jokes
Let me give you one example of how it is now. After a particularly productive intimate evening last month, we woke up in each other’s arms.
I said, “Wow, I had a great dream last night.”
He said, “Me too.’
I said, “It was a really hot dream.”
I started to describe my dream, guess what it was the same as my dream.
Then we both started laughing. Two people cannot share the exact same details of their own dreams. (This could be open for discussion, but I have no personal experience with shared dreaming.) That meant we had actually had sex.
That evening, as we were preparing for bed, I said, “Are you trying to hit it again?”
He said, “Maybe.”
That night there was no sex. Instead, we talked about a few mundane things, then fell fast asleep. When we woke up in the morning, we again woke up with huge grins on our faces and said, “Wow, that was great” then started laughing because we did not have sex. The no sex was as good and as hot as actual sex. I don’t know how but it was. We felt refreshed and as happy as we did the day before.
The Number 1 Change
The change in attitude and mood is way cool. The lightness in the mood is very seductive. We are both relaxed and letting whatever happens, happen. Daily life still comes by and bops us upside the head: the difference is that those daily ups and down do not affect our mood. We both make an extra effort if life tries to throw our sex life off track, but living our routine daily life is providing the opportunities needed to keep everyone satisfied with the sexual status quo.
Maybe we have gotten so addicted to each other that there is no other choice for us at this point in our lives. Maybe we are plain old thrilled to still be having scream and holler sex over sixty. Maybe we have become closer or more intimate friends. Maybe the lack of adversarial sexual push and/or pull in our relationship has allowed us to enjoy each other’s company more. Maybe we have gotten wise in our old age. I’m going to keep analyzing and examining until I figure out how things came together resulting in our current situation.
I am going to keep examining what is going on to try to hold on to it. If I could capture this time in a bottle and keep it safe for myself and my spouse, I would. I find this is one of the most sexually satisfying periods of my life. It is very nice to be in this situation at this age. I hope older couples like us are experiencing the same scenarios. If not, I’ll share everything I’m doing to help other couples along. I’m a better person overall when my marriage is going well. Routine physical intimacy is a large portion of the “going well” determination.
Time is fleeting, and I want to enjoy every single minute remaining. Remember, none of us is getting out of this alive.
My New Book:
“Bullets And Bosses Don’t Have Friends” available on Amazon 09/29/2018.
Originally published at www.tonicrowewriter.com on September 15, 2018.